healing

So here’s there thing that many “successful individuals” rarely share.

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This shit is not at all, all roses.

2018 was a fabulous year, I remember the day my pen journaled on my page I would live in another country 3 months a year. That was at the end of 2015. And here we are completing 2018 with me having done exactly that. ✅

It was 2017 when my pen would write, “what if you simply showed up authentically as 100% you and invited others along the journey and were handsomely compensated for it?” ✅

On an on it goes, the checks beside the words that landed on my journal pages, unknown to me feels great.

The  ✅’s are amazing and exciting and incredible and DON”T HAPPEN BY THEMSELVES.

What they don’t tell you is that between the checks there is a lot of crap that needs to be shovelled.


It’s not all pretty and exciting.

There are days when we don’t feel like it.

There are day’s that we are too exhausted.

There are days that other people need us so much that there is nothing left on reserve for ourselves.


These are the days that many, dare I say most…. throw in the towel. Why? Because, if you don’t recognize what’s happening, if you get so far down the rabbit hole you can’t see the light, if you do not know how to change direction and change it fast, it is all consuming.


I have lived both my dreams and my demons. I am ULTRA human. I am humble. I am an EXTRA - ordinary, human. NOT an extraordinary one.


And through it all what I have learned on a cellular level is, 


YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHEN IT STOPS BEING SO DARM HARD.

YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHEN YOU WILL STOP LETTING IT CONSUME YOU.

YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHEN YOU WILL BEGIN TO TRUST THAT IT CAN BE EASY.


Trust is a choice YOUR CHOICE.


If there is anyone that has the right to speak about trust it is ME and I certainly would not have chosen to have that right. If we were to look at nothing else but the two most all consuming things of this year…


This year I had to trust that a 9 year old car accident that went to trial would not leave us owing 1.3 million dollars. A court case my husband would have to testify at DURING OUR 2 MONTHS IN BALI. Which would mean he had to fly back to Canada and then back to Bail again.


So how does that break down?

Trust that you will still have a home.

Trust that somehow you will be able to feed your family.

Trust that you can keep yourself contained in a way that will not worry the children.

Trust that you should continue living and not start stock piling every cent you have.

Trust that you can connect to your soul and stay in the energy you need to be in to do your work.

Trust that you can somehow stay healthy and not relapse into ptsd and anxiety.

Trust that your marriage will survive the stress of it all.

Trust that you should still go on said trip as it was booked before the trial date was set.

Trust that in the points of complete panic you will be able to pull yourself out of it and come back to trust.

Trust that trusting is enough.


That trust brought forward - us not owing a dime and his flight to go back and forth and hotel accommodations were paid for in full by the insurance company.


To trust something that you have no evidence or good reason to trust is NOT a natural instinct, it is a learned way of showing up in this world.


This year I had to trust that after being hit by a drunk driver 8 years ago my court case would be settled out of court and I could breathe again rather than it going to trial. I had to trust that for whatever reason I had to live being broken down and torn apart by the drunk drivers insurance lawyers. 


I had to experience sitting in a room where they tell you your a fraud, with then watching you for 8 years, with them telling you that they see you smile on social media, that they are going to find your clients and tell them you are a fake when you say your life is good. 


I had to trust that experiencing that was the exact example I needed of what people do when they are not comfortable with you being comfortable and grounded in yourself. 


I had to experience knowing that if I went to trial I was 100% at risk, that no one would insure my case as it wasn’t strong enough (who knew there was such a thing) that my cost at that point was well beyond $200,000 and if I was not found to have life long/altering injury then I got to foot the bill for my side and theirs. 


What a joke who wants the label of life long injury, I’m smarter than that, be careful what you call in. I had to trust my soul when it was in direct opposition to my own lawyer and say, “NO! THIS IS HOW THIS IS GOING TO GO.”


The case settled, no court, they paid out, don’t get excited I got $7,500 which was exactly half of what it cost me out of pocket for treatments after the accident.

Never was I in it for the financial gain. I was sucked into in a way that was not in integrity, it looked nothing like what was explained to me and in the end I knew if they didn’t settle (which why would they, we had already had two pre trials and they refused) I couldn’t even afford to bail on the case financially. I’ve always been an all or nothing gal, but this was beyond anything I would have played my cards on. TRUST was the only available option.


I could go on and on with all the everyday this and that that could have sent me into a tail spin this year, all the reasons I could have bailed, all the reasons many would say I should have… but the simple fact is - 


I trust,


and in the moments I find myself in anything other than trust, what do I do?


Come back to trust.


Trust is a choice.


The only time you will ever be certain that you actually have the faith you think you have is when there is absolutely no other option than to believe.


So there it is, it’s been an absolutely incredible year and probably not in the ways you might have expected me to brag about it.


The moment that stands out most in my mind this year was running into an old friend after getting back from Bali. His greeting was, “hey how are ya, life’s hard egh?” 

He was just being his sarcastic self. Naturally he had no idea of anything except the glorious moments and thought he was a real smart ass.

I responded “Ya!” He looked at me side ways and I followed up with, “when you make it that way”.


I believe that with every cell in my body.


It is what it is and that’s all that it is, in any given moment.


We can choose to create a story around it or we can choose trust. Both are a choice.


So thank you 2018 for teaching me lessons I never asked to learn.


Thank you for shaking me to the core.


Thank you for teaching me what standing in your truth no matter how many millions it may literally cost you is ALWAYS the right thing to do.


Thank you for teaching me that I have what it takes, I am more than enough, I am allowed to take up space, it is safe to show up and speak up and that I GET TO DECIDE what I’m going to choose and I get to expect it to look exactly as I expect it to look.

2019 Next Level You - let’s do this

Remember,

Life is not meant to be hard, let it be easy.

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PS - Next Level You is not something that is available to a select few. YOU have to choose to trust, to open to yourself, to commit to doing the work, to looking into what you may not be used to looking into.

You have to choose to see ALL THAT YOU ARE. You have to want more of you in this world. You have to be ready to say:

I have what it takes, I am more than enough, I am allowed to take up space, it is safe to show up and speak up and that I GET TO DECIDE what I’m going to choose and I get to expect it to look exactly as I expect it to look.

Next Level You - it’s waiting for you right HERE

Inside Of A Single Moment

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And inside of this moment I notice eyes that look outward, seeing all of who they are, all of what they can do, all that I desired to be. Softening, becoming curious about the outward gaze, letting it be as it is without needing it to change I sink in deeper, feel it in its entirety and begin to follow the trail that it leaves leading to the heart.

Slowly and gently exploring the spaces that up until now have been diligently manoeuvred around. Now seeing how silent the screams of the eyes looking inward have been.

How they quietly haunt and within a moment there was an internal shift, followed by a softened inward gaze that witnesses where she has been incredibly harsh, so unrealistic, so hurtful towards herself and that was all that was asking to be witnessed. 

Nothing more was needing to be seen, unearthed or discovered. 

And from that space she would step more fully into her than she ever has.

There is so much within you asking to be seen, to be witnessed, to be healed, to be released. Can you allow it to surface and hold it tenderly just for a moment and experience the shift that occurs?

Remember, life is not meant to be hard.

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His Whispers Felt Like Daggers

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“You are so sexy”.

With ever growing confusion I would wonder, how is it after 28 years with this wonderful man I cannot yet receive these whispers of adoration?

It was as we sat chatting across the world from one another me embracing a steaming morning coffee half dressed, he half asleep undressed and as we’d say our goodbyes his whisper would be “you are so sexy”.

Sitting in the wee morning hours, candles and incense offering sacred space my body began to sob. A longing to receive his words, a desire to fully embrace that knowing and yet a heaviness that would not allow for any of it.

Full article in Elephant Journal HERE

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Remember, life is not meant to be hard.

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